Do NOT approach a 20-pound groundhog

As you might have heard recently, West Raleigh had a small rabid fox problem. This was such an important pressing issue that WTVD included a story on the fox for at least a week on its 11 p.m. newscast.

However, this could be just the beginning of the invasion of our local baseball fields by crafty animals bent on destroying America's pastime. Don't believe me? Check out this story from New Jersey, which, I kid you not, is headlined, "Groundhog terrorizes Bridgeton Little League." This is a real story.

The groundhog in question is some kind of mutant super-groundhog that weighs in at 20 pounds. An umpire had to jump in and save the day by distracting the evil groundhog, which was intent on chasing innocent children around the field. What happened next should strike fear in all our hearts and must be quoted directly due to the incredible nature of this story:

<<Bridgeton Little League President T. Carl Hemple intervened to save Dennis (the umpire). 

"Then he started chasing me," said Hemple. "Man, was he big. He must have weighed 20 pounds.">>

Now, I am assuming here that the "he" in question is the groundhog and not the umpire, because if the umpire only weighed 20 pounds, I think we know why he was unable to detain the groundhog.

<<The groundhog gained on Hemple, who went to his car, jumped inside and locked the doors. 

"The groundhog went under the car," said Hemple. 

He decided to start the car.>>

This is utterly fantastic and if no one has video of this, then someone in Bridgeton needs to be very disappointed in themselves. So the groundhog is chasing the Little League president across the parking lot, and the quick-thinking president manages to get a big enough lead to jump into his car and--this is key--lock the doors. Because you don't want the gargantuan 20-pound groundhog to open the car door with his fuzzy mutant paw.

We then have the sentence, "He decided to start the car," which I assume means the Little League president started the car, but given what we know about how devious this groundhog was, I don't think we can rule out that the groundhog started the car in an effort to smoke out the president and get him to unlock the doors.

Like me, I assume you're all breathlessly waiting to know what happened next.

<<The groundhog escaped the roar of the motor and headed for the Bridgeton Sports Hall of Fame.>>

NOT OUR TROPHIES IN THE BRIDGETON SPORTS HALL OF FAME!

The Little League president, presumably from the safety of his locked car, called the police, and they "arrived in two minutes." They got one of those "sticks with a loop" around the groundhog's neck, and if you have ever seen an angry 20-pound groundhog, then you know exactly what happened next: according to the story, "It broke the loop." Which led Fearless Little League President T. Carl to say, "I'm telling you, it was big." We were able to find this action photo of the groundhog in question.

Eventually, the police officers were able to get the groundhog into a cage, where it was carted away. Fearless Little League President T. Carl then emerged from his car, and presumably was asked why he and the umpire (no word on whether he was also locked in the car) were the only folks able to run interference on this ill-intentioned groundhog. He responded by saying his coaches had training for everything involving kids, "But not groundhogs. Not animals coming out of the woods."

I strongly feel that West Raleigh needs to include Groundhog Defense in next year's coaching clinic. And if you don't agree, then read this bone-chilling update to the story: the 20-pound groundhog has escaped from the animal shelter. You read it right, folks: the Bridgeton Groundhog is on the loose. When the vet in charge of the shelter showed up for work on Sunday morning, no doubt wearing body armor to repel the advances of the 20-pound groundhog, he was greeted with a mystifying sight:

<<The cage was empty, but secured.>>

And what was inside that cage, you ask? Good question. The actual quote from the vet is as follows: "Inside was an empty can of cat food."

Yes, there is a very good possibility that the 20-pound groundhog has innocent cat hostages. The mutant groundhog left no sign of where it might be headed. Fearless Little League President T. Carl could not be reached for comment, probably because he was locked in his car.

For all we know, the mutant groundhog could be headed towards West Raleigh as we speak. If you see this baseball-loving giant groundhog at the game tonight, DO NOT APPROACH IT. Run to your car, lock your doors and hide all your trophies.